The Little Black Cat
by AquaJet
Summary: Written for the NXYZ Christmas Fic Exchange for The Jabberer  Jab . R&R/subtle RyoSaku/OC friendships


**NXYZ Community Christmas Fic Exchange**

Title: The Little Black Cat

Written for: Jab/The Jabberer

(Special Message:) I love you Jab but I'm sorry. I'm just like the main OC character—I'm not amazing, I just deal with it somehow.

Pairings/Genres/Rating: RyoSaku (romance) and OC friendships/friendship, romance, general, family, angst/ rated T

Beta: Frogster (Frog-kun)

A/N: Thanks guys for reading my works~ (Have y'all noticed that I write really long stories for other people but barely anything when I write for myself PFT.)

* * *

><p><strong>Level 1: Who I'm not.<strong>

First off, let me begin by establishing that everyone has many levels of themselves—what you appear to others, what you want to be, and who you really are. The first level I'll be addressing is level one where it's everything on the outside or how you seem to others. One person described me as someone who wasn't me.

At the moment, a harsh wave of sadness flooded over me as I realized that this was the moment where I would be losing a friend. "I'm not crying because I'm afraid of you." My voice trembled. Tears fell down my cheeks as more waves of emotions flooded me.

"Yeah right…! You think I'm going to punch you through the phone, don't you? Oh, and no offense, but it seems like you're just pulling the pity card at me by crying."

Everything that came after that left me with a feeling of emptiness because I lost a friend and it was my fault. But then after my emotions settled down, the part of me that tortures me through analyzing what I did wrong, replaying the mistakes in my head and winning the argument. However, the argument itself was not important, it certain points that she questioned.

Everything she questioned was based on misunderstandings. In the midst of our scrambled, meaningless words was the greatest ironies placed. She told me that I misunderstood her.

"You just think I'm a terrible person and that's all I'll ever be. You're just like everyone who misunderstands me."

I didn't think much when she said it but now that I do, it's more ironic that the person who is tired of being misunderstood happens to misunderstand others.

* * *

><p>In the beginning of my existence when I was aware of myself and others, I realized that most people thought of me as an aloof, quiet girl. With my tall height, it only made me much more intimidating. As a child, I would shriek and cry and the littlest of things. My grandfather, a senile old man, said that I could sense the spirits of the people around me and that I would grow up as a perceptive child. He also said that my mindset will determine my success or downfall.<p>

For a senile old man, his words sounded more truthful than my parents who told me to grow up quickly and not be as troublesome. Their words were not meant to hurt me but to protect me. Other kids called me a demon child but it wasn't just them—some of my family, the more superstitious ones, had called me similar names.

I was actually a terribly shy child. When I blushed, it probably looked like I was red with anger. The other kids played by themselves and left me out. Somehow I didn't mind so much since I liked the idea of observing others since I was so awkward with others. Pretty soon, my body grew, faster than I wanted and then we moved so my father could have better wages.

I hadn't concerned myself with anything. I didn't mind moving. I had already hardened myself to the world without caring about my success or failure. After all, going home to a strictly discipline-_crazy_ grandmother plus parents, who didn't do anything about it because it was considered normal, wouldn't make you a happy person either, would it?

Yet I met my best friend Makoto. She lit up the dark cave I lived in. She broke the shell that I had created to hide myself from the world. I was truly a coward and a crybaby at those times but then I knew I grew up. Before, I hated the world, hated the people in it, and hated myself but then I changed and saw life as a beautiful thing. I, for once in my life, experienced how wonderful people can be, how beautiful the world is, and how much I have accomplished. Then I met Michi. Makoto introduced us to each other. I had known her before, since she was a nice girl in one of my classes.

But as time went on, I had this feeling that I should hold back on the things I say to her because she didn't trust me—I sensed it by the way she would act awkwardly around me. Sometimes she would ignore me in her fits of silent anger and then tell Makoto all about it while I unnecessarily worried over her. In my mind I wondered if I was that untrustworthy of a person for her to not even speak to about her problems even if we had been friends for a little over two years.

Then we went into our first childish fight that served as the biggest warning bell of our end. She brought six cups of pudding for Christmas. I eyed the food because I love pudding but I didn't take one. Then another friend we both had took one and ate more than half of it then left the rest for me to finish. I was about to eat one spoonful when Michi came back. She looked at me angrily.

"What the hell? You stupid idiot! This is **only** for me!" she hissed. Michi punched my arm and she didn't hold back. Then I became angry at her, I walked away without looking back or saying a word. We both ignored each other for a day. I was angry that she would even get mad at me for such a little thing and she was mad at me because I violated her pride—or so she had said to Makoto. However, we made up on the second day and it was the first time she ever hugged me in all our time together as friends. I was the happiest person in the world. Yet a small voice in the back of my mind tried to warn me that these fights would continue and escalate to a point where we'll just stop and never start again but I foolishly ignored it. I thought that it didn't matter how many fights we would get into because we'd make up at the end.

But even that was probably a lie I constructed to give myself a meaning to attach myself to her. I knew full well Michi wasn't as bad as everyone said she was and that her untrusting nature led her to not have many truly close friends. A part of me couldn't connect to her because she had kept a careful barrier for me yet I wanted to try and reach out—I genuinely cared about her, something I wanted to avoid.

"You're a coward, you know that," she had told me in our final fight, "You live in a shell thinking that everyone's going to be nice to you."

I only sniffed and remained silent. A part of me accepted that she wasn't going to be my friend anymore. She'd turn me down for things that I could already do and the things I've already done so I stopped. I didn't want to be friends with a girl who misunderstands me.

"I can't be your friend if you can't understand me to the fullest extent because you're thinking about yourself. Actually, you know what, damn it all. I never thought of you as a friend. Don't start crying again but… I only became your friend so I wouldn't lose Makoto."

I felt nothing. I already knew that she didn't think of me as a friend but I didn't want to believe it. All the tears in the beginning of our conversation had dried up, leaving nothing but my silent emotions.

I cared about her but she didn't. I felt something and maybe she did too but if she truly cared about me and not herself, then she wouldn't just drop it all. She saw me as a weak, cowardly, and pitiful person who just wanted to cling to her for selfish reasons.

Yet in this moment I learned so much, more than when we were "friends". I chose to keep silent and let her continue thinking of her imposed impression of me. It was her own fault for dropping me because she didn't know me at all and then being so hypocritical about it when I had done the same to her.

I know everything she said was not who I am and that would be the first step to helping me recover from our dead ties.

* * *

><p>"Do you want this little kitty? It's a black cat though, it might bring you bad luck," she shop owner told me.<p>

I stared at the small kitten and it stared back at me with its large green eyes. I extended my hand towards it. It took a moment to stare at my hand before sniffing it. It licked my forefinger so I took it as a sign that it allowed me to pet it.

"Whoa, young lady, that cat never seems to care about humans. Owners always return her because she's disobedient, runs away, and makes a mess of everything."

I insisted on taking it in, the shop owner stopped his complaints after I bought it and recommended certain products to me. I stared again at the small kitten that fit into the palms of my hands and named her Kioko because it meant "meets the world with happiness". Kioko's eyes met mine and for some reason I spoke to it as if it would understand, "I'll tell you—who I want to be and who I am—because you're the only one who'd understand."

My words weren't exactly correct, I'd known that a mere cat couldn't possibly understand me but it was nice to know that Kioko would, and could only, listen.

"You're pretty creepy for a new neighbor." A boy with cat-like eyes, who carried a red tennis racquet and a cat, smirked at me. He must have thought it was pretty clever.

"I have a pretty small neighbor." I replied.

His expression turned a bit sour. "Whatever." He averted his eyes and seemed to lose interest in me.

His cat jumped out of his arms and cat in front of me. I knelt down and lowered my kitten so they would meet. Our cats stared at one another before circling each other. Kioko made her first move then their paws touched. In a few minutes later they spoke in their secret cat language and purred happily.

"What's your cat's name?" I asked.

"You should ask the owner's name first." He replied.

"Okay then what's your name?"

"It's rude to ask other people's name without saying yours first."

He was definitely trolling me. I almost snorted at his comment.

"My name is Ishida Chieko. My cat is named Kioko."

"I'm Echizen Ryoma. That's Karupin."

This was the meeting that helped me move on.

* * *

><p><strong>Level 2: Who I want to be<strong>

I raised Kioko from the things that my parents had bought for her and then gave her more things from my birthday money. My mother said that she would no longer support Kioko's needs anymore and then jokingly suggested that I should get a job to support her. She didn't think I had any sense of responsibility and she was right. Kioko was tougher than I thought to take care of yet I didn't want to abandon her so for the next two days I looked for a job.

Eventually I gained a job in a daycare center. The middle aged woman told me about how she loved the job and would still work there even if she received no pay. She was nice enough to offer me tea and quickly interview me. I was already qualified since I took care of two little girls for my mom's best friend. She accepted me on the spot because of my good experience, grades, and behavior. She quickly assigned me to a boy named Ryuzaki Kei.

Ryuzaki sounded familiar. I think Echizen had mentioned that name before.

"…Ryuzaki, you should cut your hair…mada mada dane." Echizen grumbled.

I snuck close to him before saying, "How cute. Even a stiff like you can love."

He jumped and almost hit a branch. I grinned madly at him while he sent me a deathly glare.

"So who's this Ryuzaki girl? Is she cute? I bet she is. For young boys like you, the springtime of youth is just beginning!"

"You sound like an old man."

"I didn't expect you to be so shy and snarky about this-…hey. Hey! Stop stealing my grape ponta! I bought that with my own money!"

Maybe Ryuzaki Kei is a relative to the girl that Echizen is madly in love with but I have to shove Echizen's love life aside while I work. When Kei-kun and I met for the first time, he reminded me of a small, frail animal. He had the softest pair of brown eyes with soft looking chocolate brown hair. Yet he was incredibly shaky and shy.

"Hello, my name is Cheiko. What's yours?"

He gave me a frightened look but eventually softened and said, "K-Kei."

From then on I felt the need to shower him with affection. I always gave him at least one compliment a day—like say that his writing was very neat or how handsome he was. I played with him a lot of times. I would push him on the swings while questioning him about various subjects. I would push harder if he answered correctly or slowly stop the swing if he was wrong. Sometimes we would build a sand castle with the various tools I bought and the playground sandbox. Every Sunday I would bring Kioko so we could all play together. He had the brightest smile when he was with me yet the saddest expression when he was alone.

He grew attached to me and refused to make friends. One time when we ate lunch together, I asked him to go play with a child in the yellow shirt since he seemed like a nice, cheerful kid that could be a good friend to Kei-kun.

He refused.

"I hate everyone in this world except you. I only need you."

His words frightened me. It reminded me too much of myself. I sensed something before—like the boy had been hiding a big secret from me. My suspicions kept rising yet I didn't say the things I should have said.

"There are more people like me."

"But they're not you."

I hugged him and gently patted his head. "Of course there's no one that's exactly like me. Different people move you in different ways and they're all important and special in their own way. Aren't Ryuzaki Sumire and Sakuno treating you well?"

Kei-kun cried. "Yes they are…but I wish I could stay here forever."

Then without warning, everything changed.

* * *

><p>Kei-kun missed one day of going to the day care and returned the next day in pants and a jacket. It was the hottest day of the month. He was spaced out and didn't speak much at all even to me. When we ate, his bento only had rice, no side dishes.<p>

"What happened?"

He remained silent.

"Don't remain silent. Look me in the eye, Kei!"

He listened and his eyes seemed so broken that I saw the beginnings of his tears. My heart sank. He reflected me. Yet when I believed I had no one else, someone stepped in for me.

* * *

><p>"How are your studies?" And old lady, who my parents told me to call 'Grandmother', spoke as she arranged flowers. Her eyes and hands were always busy with something else while dealing with me. I always thought that she did this because she didn't think much of me.<p>

"Excellent, Ma'am," I bowed.

"Oh…? I heard you were struggling with math," She arranged the background flowers before taking the white rose as the final touch but pricked her finger with the rose. "Ah…do you see this, child? No matter how pure this rose looks, you still need to pluck out its thorns."

"Yes ma'am."

"But don't change the subject child. What's eighty six divided by two minus forty one?"

I quickly tried to make out the calculations in my head. I really wasn't doing well with math and I didn't have any paper in front of me to work out the problem.

"Three."

"Two, child."

"I'm sorry."

"Saying sorry doesn't get you anywhere in life. Competence is what gets you to pass those tests. But since you can't even do a simple math problem like that then I guess you wouldn't understand the meaning of such a complex word but just know that you are an incompetent child."

I actually did know the meaning of the word. I studied very hard in my Japanese class because it was one of the toughest subjects to learn. I was planning on studying math next but I didn't get the chance to before I visited grandmother.

She rose up and grabbed my hand then slapped me. She locked me in a dark closet, locked it, and hit the door. "You are so lucky that I can't truly discipline you! You have a defiant look in your eye that I need to break. No one wants a disobedient child!"

It broke.—the silence I kept to prevent myself from what might happen. "I hate you, grandmother. You bully me for no reason. They call people like you child abusers."

Then there was absolute silence. I heard her laughter—first soft then rising in volume and madness.

"Only because children like you are the type that needs discipline. Here, let me teach you."

She opened the door and I saw my greatest fear. She dragged me out, held me by the legs, and pulled my hair. I struggled but the more I struggled, the more she tortured me. Finally, I bit her until she released me from her grip. I ran away and scream for my parents. The first one I found was my mother. I ran into her arms, crying.

Grandmother soon followed and my mother asked, "What happened?"

"Your child bit me. She lacks of discipline."

My mother looked at me then slapped me. "Why don't you listen to your grandmother?"

I lost trust in everyone. I lost a sense of who I was and let everything about me fade away because I thought it didn't matter anymore. I would be stuck into doing what my grandmother wanted me to do and would have to put up with it. Nobody cared about me. They only care about what they want me to be.

"Wait, honey. Don't be so quick to determine what happened when you didn't hear what Chieko said. Now Chieko, tell me what happened."

I ran to my father. "Grandmother locked me in a dark closet and then hit the door. It scared me. Then she hurt me even more."

"That rotten child was struggling with a simple math problem so I gave her time out then she told me she hated me and called me a child abuser."

"And the fact that you hurt my child when she said that proves exactly what she said to be right."

"I have the _right_ to discipline naughty children."

"You have **no** right to hurt my child. I am the man of the house and she is my daughter."

I never saw grandmother again because we moved. And then after two years, I wouldn't get the chance to see my dad or grandmother because they died on the same day. My mother locked herself in her room and cried for both of them. I didn't understand why she would cry for grandmother since she was a mean old hag. Dad was the kind one that I actually felt sad for. My mother shouted at me when I said I was glad that grandmother was dead.

"You don't understand! She took care of me when I was a kid. She cooked, cleaned, and supported me. I worked hard to be a good daughter she could be proud of! I finally understand her now that I have my own daughter. You're nothing like I wanted. You're a failure as a daughter and you won't understand how hard it is to have a child until you have one."

"Don't worry, I'll never have children. I'll spare them from having a hateful mother like me…and you and grandmother."

* * *

><p>I still don't want to be a mother but I can't help it. I wanted to take care of Kei-kun by myself.<p>

"Tell me, Kei. You'll feel better, I promise. No matter what, I'm here for you."

Kei-kun began sobbing. "They gave me back to dad. He keeps drinking this nasty juice and then acts weird. He…sometimes he hits me and says that I should have died with mommy and my sister, Chieko."

This time I knew what words were the right ones.

"Kei, sometimes life treats you unfairly and doesn't give you the happiest situations in the world. You may feel like you should hate everyone and everything but don't. Make your happiness yourself. Miracles only happen when you work for them." I hugged him. "You did a great job in telling me. Now I'll show you how to make a miracle."

* * *

><p>I expected the man before me to have a huge beard, bad teeth, bad breath, and a bad attitude. Instead, he looked like any white collar salary man. He definitely had the attitude part down.<p>

"And what do you _want_?"

Kei-kun sat on my lap. I held his shaking hands and squeezed them. "I heard you have been drinking."

"It's none of your business what I do after hours. Drinking helps me relax."

"Allow me to speak frankly."

"Go ahead."

"Then does beating up your child help you relax as well?"

"That child spouts lies."

"Kei-kun is very honest and kind."

"He's a two faced kid."

"Like father like son then."

"Hey, I don't need to listen to a _child_ lecturing me. Stop getting involved with my kid too. You're a bad influence on him."

"Would you like to hear it from your own son then?"

"My own son? Of course! He'll just stay quiet though. Damn kid never spoke to me ever since they died."

I could hear Kei-kun sniffling but his hands stopped shaking. I squeezed his hands to signal him to speak.

"I hate you dad…I don't like it when you hit me. It hurts and I don't want to go home. I'd rather stay here."

"Oh and what has this woman does that I haven't?"

"Chieko-chan stays by my side. You stopped playing baseball with me so she played with me. When she saw that I only had rice for lunch, she made extra food for me. You used to make me the best obento. She praises me whenever I do something good and when I make mistakes, she tells me to fix them and learn from them. You stopped paying attention to me and get mad at me whenever I do something wrong. You stopped being the daddy I loved when mommy and Chieko-onee-chan died."

Kei's father remained silent and then stared at the sky. "What have I been doing?" he asked. He looked to the ground and covered his face. "What the hell have I been doing?"

* * *

><p>The next day Kei-kun ran to my arms and didn't want to let go. He stuck close to me and said that today had to be the best day ever. I giggled and thought that maybe he wanted to keep me all to himself because it was probably his birthday. He did very well in all his activities, he played with all the other kids when it was a group game, and he baked a cupcake for me.<p>

"Kei-kun is such a sweet boy." I said as I bit my cupcake. He knew I loved vanilla cupcakes with strawberry filling and chocolate frosting. "You put such an excellent effort. This is very delicious."

Kei-kun bit his lip. "Chieko-chan…I'm sorry…" He sniffed. "Daddy says we're moving so we can get a fresh start and he can get more money to save for my education."

I cried. I haven't cried in years but for some reason, the thought that Kei-kun would move away and we would probably never see each other again.

"Today was supposed to be the best day ever because I like Chieko-chan's smiles more than her tears."

I placed my hand on his shoulder. "Me too, Kei-kun. But you see… I'm a strong girl. I cry tears of sadness one time for that one problem but then I accept it and move on."

"Does that mean you'll forget me?"

"No. Never. Out of everyone in the world, I'll never forget the days we spent with each other. They're too precious for me to forget. Please don't forget me though."

"No way! Chieko-chan brought me a miracle."

"You have too."

I kissed him on the forehead. He kissed mine too.

"When I grow up, I want to be like you."

* * *

><p>Echizen was at my clubhouse with his cat. Our cats played with each other. Echizen stared long and hard at me. I stared at him back.<br>"What?" I asked.  
>"Your eyes are red."<p>

"I can't play video games late at night?"

"You didn't play video games. You were moping. I could hear your crying."

Ouch. Even Echizen found out.

"So what's your problem? Break up with your boyfriend?"

I snorted. "Why are you so cranky? Did your girlfriend say something to you?"

"I don't have a girlfriend."

"Okay…then did your special girl, Ryuzaki-chan, say something."

He sighed then proceeded to steal my grape ponta _and_ chips. He just kept getting worse.

"Don't change the subject."

I smiled. "You see I was in charge of a boy at my job."

"Boyfriend?"

He was trying to get back at me. I probably shouldn't have teased him.

"Unless little boys at daycare centers can be considered boyfriends, then sure,"

He remained silent.

"Anyway, we had a lot of great times together and then he had to suddenly move."

"That's it?"

"Yeah, we grew close."

I think Echizen felt awkward because he didn't continue the conversation, make a snarky comment, or change topics. In our silence, the cats fought each other. Cat fights. I thought I had it bad. Karupin and Kioko turned away from each other. I shook my head at Kioko.

I lifted her from her spot and then said. "What are you doing? You're such a small cat yet you have fights with other cats bigger than your own size? You should be growing up."

Then I realized Kioko wasn't the only one that needed to grow up.

* * *

><p><strong>Level 3: Who I am<strong>

I poked the back of Echizen's head one time. He glared at me. "Oh come on, Echizen, you barely talk to me about the progress of your love with a cute girl!"

"It's your fault I'm angry anyway."

"Wait…what…?"

"You kept on saying weird things like how I should compliment girls and stop being a cold jerk."

"Oh my goodness, so you actually complimented her?" I almost squealed in happiness. "You've done great, young grasshopper!"

"Quit talking like my old man."

"But you're actually reaching puberty!"

"Shut up. She's avoiding me now."

"Grow a backbone. She's probably a shy cutie. That's why you need to be more confident and hold her in your arms and give her a little smooch." I mimicked exactly how it should have gone…and maybe exaggerated a little.

"Whatever."

He took my ponta, chips, _and_ pocky. Did I look like a restaurant giving away free food?

"Don't you have something to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Yesterday you shouted at your own cat and said you realized you had something to do."

Oh…I remembered what I had to do.

"Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me,"

He looked surprised probably because I didn't sound like I usually did and I didn't make a troll comment.

The next day when I went back to school, I went to go finish the business I had to.

Michi.

* * *

><p>I've actually put off mentioning her for a while because neither of us broke the silence for at least another week. I actually broke the silence one day. It was the end of the school day. She had to retake a test and then go upstairs to ask about her homework assignment (I knew because she talked about it during English class). I was waiting for her on the top of the stairs. She saw my figure and immediately avoided eye contact when she recognized me then took the first step until I told her to wait.<p>

"I need to say something…" I began.

She remained silent yet thought about it before leaning on the wall and waiting for me to begin.

"This fight is pointless and stupid."

"It's your fault."

"For calling you out on all the bad things you've said to me before and how you react to the one time I say something mean about you."

"You disrespected me and still wanted to be my friend."

"Correction: you never considered me a friend remember? You never trusted me."

"Because I know you're the type of person who has a happy life. You wouldn't understand the shit I go though. You never just wanted the world to end and die."

"You never cared about me. You know nothing about me and you never tell me anything about you."

"I know about you! You were born in Shikoku and then moved here a few months later."

"What's my favorite color?"

Then she paused and then tried to think back, searching for that one piece of information. Then her face paled. "Who cares?" She quickly said.

"How many members of my family, including me, are in my house?"

"Three."

"My brother ran away, my father died, and grandmother too. It's just me and my mom now."

Her face went paler.

"You know nothing about me! You don't know what I like to do on the weekends."

"You go out to karaoke with your best friend, who you like, on Saturdays and then sleepover at Makoto's house because it's closer to school on Sundays. Your favorite color is black with neon green because you think it's cool. You love to dip pieces of bread in nutella and make homemade smores outside your house but then your mom nags you about it so you just microwave your marshmallows. You bully your older sister to toughen her up yet you both love each other the same. You hate it when people misunderstand you especially when you do nice things and then they just treat you badly. You're so awkward and insecure about yourself and have trusting issues that are so bad that you don't even consider Makoto as a sister despite all the nice things she had done for you."

"Okay, shut up. I don't want to listen to you talking crap about me. Stop trying to make me feel like an asshole again."

"You didn't let me finish."

"What? Are you going to talk about the nice things, now? You shouldn't waste your breath."

"I have to. You're not the most terrible person. You're independent because you like to do things on your own. You're considerate and kind because you offer to give me hugs when I feel like I'm about to cry in public when I don't want to. You buy me food when I'm terribly hungry. You say thank you when I do things for you and I don't expect it. You didn't drop our friendship, even if it was phony, no matter how weird our group was. When you said that you considered me and Makoto your best friends, I was the happiest person alive."

She stood still, no longer leaning against the wall, but holding the side of the stairs where her fingers trembled.

"I'm still not going to be friends with you just because you said that."

"I know. Last time, I held back so much because I didn't want to lose our friendship—I treasure all my friendships—but now I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain. And now that we're not friends, I want you to apologize to Makoto."

"What for?"

"What for…? What for…! Ha! While you ignored me for days, it was Makoto who had to tell me that you didn't want to make up or even talk to me when you ignored my texts. She's the one who had to put up with us ignoring each other and smoothened things over so we wouldn't punch each other in the face. And you forced her to choose to talk to either me or you just because you don't want to forgive me and be my friend again. You know how much she loves the both of us because we're the only ones who accept her even in all her weirdness."

Then she stopped talking. Her whole body trembled and she bit her lip. She tried so hard to not cry in front of me so I walked down the stairs and left her. When I got outside of the building, Makoto was out there waiting for me. I didn't say hi to her and quickly bought a can of coffee and lemonade from the vending machine. I handed them to Makoto and told her that the lemonade was for her and the coffee was for Michi. She brightened up.

"So you're friends again."

I frowned and shook my head. Her smile faded. "Take that coffee to her. She's probably upstairs. Don't tell her that I bought it. She'll probably think I'm trying to make her feel like an asshole."

Makoto's face scrunched up. "I will tell her it's from you. This fight is stupid. You both need to just make up already!"

"I know…but I'm sorry, Michi doesn't want to be my friend."

She started crying and gave me a hug. Maybe my face appeared stupid and sad, but I didn't cry.

I had no more tears for Michi.

* * *

><p>I knew Michi would break her silence from me. She couldn't avoid me and she couldn't hate me forever no matter how much she wanted to. During our public speaking club, she didn't mention me, as I thought, in her thank you letter that every member had to read aloud. I still included her in mines along with Makoto as the two best friends who made school amazing and made me feel like I didn't need to fit in. She looked down at her desk, seemingly uninterested, but slumped sadly. On her birthday, I wished her a happy birthday. She stared for a second then relaxed. We talked about how much we wanted to burn homework. Near Christmas, I baked some cookies with Christmas themed frosting and offered her one. She ate it and then smiled but tried to hide it. One day was dedicated to pointing out all the kanji mistakes our math teacher made on the handout's instructions. And finally after a month, she talked to me normally, not as a friend, like a classmate. It was almost like we were starting over.<p>

One day, I handed Michi a piece of paper in front of Makoto. She immediately snapped her head at Michi and asked what it was. Michi replied that it was merely math notes. Makoto opened her mouth, probably feeling happy, and asked if we were friends. Michi responded vaguely but still implied that we weren't friends. Yet Makoto had regained her hope as she looked like she was about to cry again. More guilt washed over me.

I hung out with other friends, leaving Makoto mostly alone when Michi wasn't there. I tried my best to hang out with her. I wasn't mad at her and she shouldn't have to suffer. I bought her a cute cell phone charm for Christmas. She hugged me and said that she loved me a lot.

She was so thankful to have me as her friend.

I almost cried. I made a stupid mistake and I couldn't fix it in time and I gave her false hope that Michi and I could still be friends. I know in my heart that Michi doesn't trust me—and never will. I know that Michi will have that nagging feeling in her heart that I will betray her. And I know, and I understand, because I have the same fear.

The stars always look so pretty but they're so far away and even the light that we see traveled for years before reaching the earth. Even when I was younger and I wished for my life to get better and for me to be happier. I believed that I actually achieved that. I believed that life got better and I was living a comfortable, happy life. But as I get older, I realize that it's not the case. Sometimes, that smile turns upside down and there's just no hope left. But the basic thing I always believed in was to pull myself up. The sad moments don't stay forever unless you let them haunt you.

My life is better than before and I'm happier than I was before, but it's only because I changed. After I changed, after I gained all the friends I have now, after all the experience I went through, the only fear I have now is changing back. The only thing that scares me is what I could have been.

* * *

><p>"Why are you running away?" I asked my brother. Somehow, we were at a deserted train station. I chased after him, despite how much I hated him. There was no good motive for it. I just wanted my parents to think that I was a good kid. I wanted people to believe I was a good little sister when I thought about myself really.<p>

"Because, they won't believe us when we say that 'honorable grandmother' hits us just cause she's a bitter old hag!"

"But you have a responsibility!"

"Screw responsibility! And what do you know about it? We all know you're just one of those kids on TV, who's depressed and hates people but tries to be friends with them just so you can use them."

"No! I—I'm just—"

"Of course, you know how much you trust no one and hate everyone. You know how despicable you are: crying, stealing, lying, cheating, and betraying everyone, even yourself. You'll never change."

Then he hopped on the train and waited for the doors to close. I spoke out.

"No, I'll change! I know I will! I'm a strong person! I'll stop crying and—and—and be my own…hero."

I should save myself from all the depression, anger, and fear around me, I had thought.

Then he repeated the words: you will _never_ change.

* * *

><p>"Why are you looking so gloomy? It's weird."<p>

I sighed and put on a small smile.

"Tell me how much of a bad person I am, Echizen. I know you have a lot to say since we fight a lot."

"You nag a lot, you're weird, you snore loudly, you eat like a pig, and you're annoying too…"

And he went off to add another fifty things about what he didn't like about me. Somehow it soothed me in a strange way like he was telling me of all my flaws yet I'm alright with every single one. Even if Echizen talks about all the things he dislikes about me, he doesn't stop hanging out with me.

"You're kind."

What? He didn't say something nice about me, did he?

"Huh?"

"You're kind."

"Why?"

"You let me drink a whole box of ponta."

"What? When?" I raged. I hate continually buying grape ponta for him specially if he just vacuums it all down his throat. "Stop taking my grape ponta! That's my favorite flavor!"

"Liar, you complained to your cat about how much of a hassle it is to buy ponta for me."

"Oh…damn…Kioko, why? I thought we were Bros!"

"You're the one who said it!"

"…I say a lot of things."

He placed something on my head, his cap. That's when I started to let the tears roll. I didn't want to cry, especially not in front of Echizen. I tried and tried so hard to never cry in front of someone again but he didn't comment on my tears. "What are you being gloomy for? I finally brought…my friend and you look ugly like this."

"Your friend?"

"The one you always bug me to bring…"

"You're girlfriend—?"

"My **friend**."

"Why didn't you say so before? Where is she? I wanna see how cute she is!"

I showered Echizen's _girlfriend_ with lots of affection and then talked badly about him behind his back. He was mad and then we would troll each other. Ryuzaki laughed at whatever we said to each other. She had a cute laugh. Then I pulled out my Chinese checkers board to play, and we made our own rules.

* * *

><p>Kioko rested on the tree house window. I removed the metal on the windows a while ago so she could freely come and go. I was a bit far away but not too far from Kioko. However, even though she leaps all the time, she would be a few inches short from where I was. Yet I jokingly called her name and she jumped.<p>

I was about to move closer to catch her but she jumped perfectly into my arm. Then I realized how much bigger she was. She used to be a small, scrawny kitten. Now, she's larger and heavier.

"You were such a small and delicate baby. Now look at you…you're a bigger, fat baby." I looked around and guessed that Kioko wasn't human so it was okay.

I cried. I know that my younger self would probably look at me and ask:

"Why? Everything else changed but why are you still a crybaby?"

And then I would tell her that I still cry, but I grew up.


End file.
